These women rebuilt their financial lives after domestic violence

This post contains descriptions of cases of domestic violence, told by the author of each section. Please skip this article if you are concerned that it will negatively affect your mental health. You can contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline for safe and confidential help.

If you are or have been in an abusive relationship, you are not alone.

According to the National Domestic Violence Hotline, on average, one in three women has experienced some form of domestic violence, such as physical, sexual, emotional, economic, and psychological abuse. While getting out of these situations is paramount, the process can be long and dangerous.

Here are the stories of three women who left their abusive partners and how they repaired their damaged reputation.

Ana

My marriage was a model of emotional abuse. I lived on tiptoe, trying to avoid his explosive rage. He lashed out, yelled, called me names, threw me and my things out of the house, knowing that I had nowhere to go. He kicked down the doors I tried to hide behind. He smashed my phone so I couldn’t call for help, threatening deportation because I’m an immigrant.

One day he woke me up in the middle of the night and dragged me out of bed by my hair. I left because I knew it wouldn’t get better, but it could get worse. I didn’t want to wait for it to get more physical and I was tired of constantly feeling overwhelmed and overwhelmed. I had to get a restraining order to get him to leave me alone, but it was the best thing I did for myself.

One of the worst parts was being financially stuck. Attachment to the abuser makes you feel like you are living in an invisible cage. Leaving when I did meant I would have no home or income to support myself. Homelessness was a real prospect. Fortunately, I spent three months on the neighbor’s couch until I got back on my feet.

I had bad credit for most of my marriage. I hated my financial dependency and started studying on credit. About a year before I left, I was able to get a Capital One Platinum Secured Credit Card. I got my loan honestly by simply making small payments and paying them back right away. The issuer increased my line of credit from $200 to $500 after five months of timely payments. I was so happy. It was $500 that I could rely on if I had to.

My credit card was my first tiny step towards financial independence. In my circumstances, I couldn’t save money, but I knew I had a line of credit. The morning after I got out, my ex cut me off from everything. I used my card to get a new phone number to continue my job search. I also bought food with it because I was embarrassed when I raided my neighbors fridge. I had to be very frugal with my groceries, but luckily I found a job quickly enough to keep myself out of debt.

After I started working, I had to find out the situation with my car. My car was old and unreliable and I couldn’t afford to service it. Fortunately, I was close to a good credit score and having a credit card from Capital One allowed me to establish a good relationship with the issuer. So I financed the car with Capital One. This gave me the best score I could get back then.

Today I have a good credit score, I still drive this car, and I have five credit cards that I use for refunds and free rides. I still have a lot of emotional healing to do, but I am completely financially healthy. My financial independence is now my priority and I will never compromise.

Markia

The day after my 18th birthday, I married a man whom I had known for less than six months. We were both active duty soldiers, in the same careers, and I thought we had the same goals in life. However, soon after we got married, he began to insult me.

He used his words to belittle and scold me in private and in public. He was also financially abused because he controlled all the money. I couldn’t buy anything without his approval.

As a result, bullying escalated into physical violence. One day it all came to a head when he pushed me against a wall and yelled at me in front of our two kids and my best friend. He left for work and my best friend started packing my things. She told me that if I didn’t leave at that moment, she would never speak to me again. I left that day and never looked back. I left because I felt that his anger and aggression were growing every day, and eventually he would kill me.

I didn’t think about the financial aspects of living alone before leaving. The military didn’t offer any help or support at the time, so I had to take care of two kids and myself in one of the richest counties in Maryland at the time with no housing allowance or cash allowance. At the time, kindergarten cost more than a state college tuition. The rent was high. The food was expensive. To be honest, I probably would have stayed longer if I had thought about it before leaving.

When we first got married, my credit was excellent. Two years later, because of joint debts he refused to pay when I left him, my credit history was terrible. I remember I had a credit score of 444 when I applied for an apartment after I moved out.

My credit card was one of the tools I used to rebuild my credit. I used it when I couldn’t afford diapers and wipes and was days away from payday. Now I know that the emergency fund was supposed to be the tool I used to survive, but as a survivor of financial abuse, I was not used to having to allocate it to the budget, so I had nothing to rely on. My credit card has given me the gift of survival.

Michelle

I was in a relationship with a man who started courting me on our first date. This was in 2012. Everything was great at first, but after about four months of the relationship, the first signs of physical abuse appeared. He pressed me so hard against the wall that I almost broke through it. There was a lot of physical violence. Sometimes the beatings lasted more than four hours.

And then there were financial abuses and emotional manipulations. At one point, my husband said, “Hey, I wanted to improve my credit score,” so he started using my credit. At the time, I had an 800 credit score, so he added my name to all my credit cards and used them for spending. He told me that he would pay the bills, but unfortunately it was like pulling teeth to force him to pay those cards.

This went on for years, even after I realized that I needed to run. The last straw was that he also had novels. I just lost it. I crumbled.

Finally I went to Los Angeles and came to my senses. I began to realize how much abuse I had experienced, but I did not yet fully understand that it was domestic violence. I started writing my story in a playful way.

I was then contacted by another woman he had attacked, and I knew I had a choice: keep quiet and try to get him to pay off our debt, which would save my loan, or go to court. I chose the latter. I sent him an email saying I was going to hire a lawyer, which I did. I sued him.

As a result, my play “But I love him” was staged. People began to come up to me and tell the stories of their mother, brother, neighbor, sister, and I realized that I felt a calling. I started volunteering at a downtown women’s center on Skid Row and found that a large percentage of the women there were experiencing domestic violence. I then created my own non-profit organization called Voices of the Silence, which helps victims of domestic violence, sexual assault, and human trafficking.

Of course, before leaving, I was scared. He said he would ruin me financially if I left. He made me completely dependent. Every time I needed money, I had to ask for it. By that time, he had accumulated $50,000 in credit card debt in my name. When I left, the debt went into collections and my credit score dropped horribly.

However, I knew that I needed to repair my credit history, so I just started applying for bad credit cards. I now have five or so great credit cards that I use occasionally and always pay on time.

Bottom line: financial advice from survivors

There are many steps you can take to financially prepare for your departure. First, don’t let the threat of bad credit stop you.

“Go away anyway,” Michelle says. “Don’t worry about your credit. You will restore it. I paid double the amount for the car when I finally escaped.”

“Get a PO box with a physical address and apply for your own credit card,” Markia says. “And don’t sign up for any new debt with a partner. That means don’t buy a house, don’t buy a car with it. You can do all this later, on your own.”

Ana recommends having a checking and savings account that only you can access. Start saving money. If you don’t qualify for an unsecured credit card, you can use some of that money to get a secured card.

“Always keep it around in case you need to make an unexpected escape,” Ana says. “Make it part of your lifestyle. Your credit will be essential to your financial health when you leave.”

And finally get help. Contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline for safe and confidential help.

Erica Sandberg is a well-known personal finance professional and author of Waiting for Money: The Essential Financial Plan for New and Growing Families. Her articles and insights have been featured in The Wall Street Journal, Pregnancy, Babytalk, Redbook, Bank Investment Consultant, Prosper.com, MSN Money and Dow Jones MarketWatch. An active television and radio commentator, Sandberg is a credit and money management expert at KRON-TV in San Francisco, and a frequent guest on Forbes Video Network, Fox Business News, Bloomberg TV and all Bay Area networks. Prior to starting her own reporting and advisory business, she worked at the San Francisco Consumer Credit Counseling Service, where she advised individuals, conducted educational seminars, and managed the media relations department. Sandberg is a member of the Society of American Business Editors and Writers and a member of the Project Money Advisory Committee.